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Wednesday, March 15, 2006
cant stand it.
it's worse than yesterday.
i guess camp post will have to wait.
im supposed to be at shirim bbq now but decided not to go cos i will kill everything.
how can someone sitting there with no expression staring into space not kill everything?
i'll be missing it but at least i wont be killing anything.
smsed hil yesterday night and got some stuff off my chest. but sat at my table later on thinking again. if not for my sis who was bugging me to sleep i would have had a sleepless night.
prayed before i slept and slept well.
woke up today feeling pretty happy. then my sis came over after her qt.
and said something about pride and how it's gonna lead to destruction and how i should change.
i burst out and started yelling at her.
she meant it to be harmless. she knew i had a lot of pride but didnt know that it's the worst problem i have.
said sorry to her later and she was okay about it.
but that was it. i started to think again.
and after i started to think, i knew for sure that going for shirim bbq was a total out.
brandon called later and talked to me and prayed with me and stuff. thanks. (:
he understand me very very well but he doesnt have the problem of having pride being the centre of his life. so it's pretty hard for him to understand totally this time round.
so he was unable to stop me from thinking.
but anyhow. thanks bro.
almost scalded myself when pouring away the water after cooking instant noodles.
i was pouring the water towards myself instead of in the sink.
if not for kor who rushed in i would have died.
he said that me staring with no expression looks like im going to take a knife the next minute and slash my wrists.
suicide is the last thing i will ever think of.
he could see i was troubled but i didnt want to tell him.
jan just called asking whether i was going. and i was on the verge of crying so i guess i sounded funny over the phone. but anyhow i wont cry. i will not allow myself to cry.
so now im alone at home with nothing to occupy myself with.
so now im here typing this with thoughts racing through my mind.
so now im gradually building up my walls of defence.
my walls of defence.
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
